Failure to Thrive

When I heard that my grandfather had died, the news did not surprise me. Granddaddy had slowed down for months. Whenever I visited my grandparents’ house, he was always sitting in the same, faded overstuffed chair near the front door, his spindly legs propped up on a gray ottoman. My grandmother, who everyone called Next Mama, would bring him a cup of coffee or a sandwich during the day. He got up with her help when he needed to visit the restroom, but mostly he read the Bible a lot in those last months.

Born into a Jewish family in Kentucky, Grandaddy was not very religious throughout most of his life. He must have started to worry that God would punish him if he didn’t come back around. He had married a Protestant woman, so some in his family were not happy about that. Yet his wife Mary Hayes hailed from a long line of famous Virginians, so how could his parents complain? Their three children were raised Christians and Next Mama took them to church regularly. Granddaddy stayed home on Sundays, escaping the noise of child’s play.

The day Granddaddy died, he was not at the little house on Beverly Avenue in Jacksonville, Florida, where the couple had lived since 1955, the house that their son Joe had purchased for them. Nor was Grandaddy seated in the faded, overstuffed chair. His Bible was not on the table next to him.

My younger sister Stephanie, 11, and I were playing a rousing game of bound-ball in the street in front of our house. It was nearly Christmas, but Florida was still hot and steamy. We finished several rounds and decided to go inside to quench our thirst. I was winning, so had no concerns about ending the game for the day. At 13, the real competition for me came in racing my sister to the front door. We both laughed at one another as we ran, our faces flushed with play. I arrived first and placed my right hand on the brass door handle, one of those fancy kind that you have to push your thumb down hard on the latch to open the door. My mother had special ordered it when my parents built their dream house on Whitman Street in 1960. As I was about to shove the door open, laughing and pushing my sister out of the way so that I could enter first, the dark red door appeared to open magically by itself. Standing on the opposite side of our gaiety was Next Mama.

“He’s gone,” our grandmother blurted out matter of factly, shaking her head. “Your granddaddy’s gone.” Her face motionless, void of passion, Next Mama stood there looking at us for a few seconds, then turned and walked back into the house.

The handle still resting in my hand as I half hid behind the door, I looked over at Stephanie who stood frozen just behind me. We stared at one another for what seemed an eternity before we tiptoed into the house without a word. Our cheeks still reddened from the impromptu race, we made our way down the main hallway past Mom and Dad’s bedroom and toward the kitchen. I turned my head to the left as I passed the open bedroom door and saw someone lying in my parents’ California king-sized bed. Too afraid to ask questions, we quickly moved past the bedroom doorway. My shoe slipped on the linoleum floor and I caught myself on the open shelves that separated the hallway from the kitchen. My mother’s collection of Hummel® figurines had populated those shelves for years. I could only imagine the punishment if I were to break one. Mom stood in the kitchen wiping her eyes with a tissue, then used it to blow her nose. I could tell she had been crying for a while.

“Go say goodbye to your granddaddy,” Mom commanded between sniffles. “He’s in our bedroom. He died just a little bit ago.”

I had never seen a dead person. One of our kittens was killed once when Mom accidentally backed the car over it. She didn’t know the kitten was under the wheel seeking shelter from the rain. Watching its once vibrant body turn lifeless was devastating. Then there was the time that Lady, our blond cocker spaniel, gave birth to ten beautiful puppies and they all died. We never knew what caused that tragedy, but my dad buried all the puppies in the backyard. Lady tried to dig them up.

Seeing my grandfather dead was totally different. I mean, he was a person, a living, breathing person who sat at the dinner table with us and walked us to the Five and Dime store and taught us lessons about life. Granddaddy was someone I loved.

Stephanie and I both folded our hands together and held them up close to our chests as though we were about to pray.

“You go first,” Stephanie whispered as she poked my arm. I looked at her, my eyebrows furrowed, and said, “Chicken.”

Mom’s eyes were still filled with tears. She sat down at the cluttered kitchen desk, an extension of the counter-top, a space built for sitting and planning menus. She took the yellow wall phone off its rocker, fingered the pages of her telephone directory and began dialing. The sound of each spin of the rotary dial, one number after another, told me that she was making a long distance call. The arduous process of informing others had begun.

I began my slow walk back down the hall toward my parents’ bedroom, my sister just behind me. As I got closer to the door, I could hear Next Mama’s soft whimpering and the sound of my older sister Anita, 16, speaking in low tones. I was glad Anita was there. She was level headed and would help Mom and Next Mama with all that lie ahead. Not only would they have to inform countless family and friends, but they had to notify authorities, call a funeral home to pick up Granddaddy’s body, make arrangements for a burial, order flowers, plan a reception. Then my parents would have to deal with the fact that Mom’s father had died in their bed.

But at this moment, they just had to grieve.

When I arrived at the bedroom doorway, I could see that the curtains were drawn. Next Mama was standing at the foot of the bed. Anita had gently positioned her arms around her grandmother’s shoulders. Granddaddy’s eyelids were shut. His cheeks already appeared ashen and he lay so very still. He looked like he was taking a nap. Yet nothing about him suggested the man I had known growing up — gone was the twinkle in his eye, the soft smile, the gentleman’s hat that he had always tipped to ladies who walked past him. His cane was propped in the corner of the room; it was the last day he would ever use it. I remembered fetching it for him once when he needed help. I searched around looking for his Bible.

“Did Granddaddy have his Bible when he died?” I asked in a low voice. Anita shook her head no. Next Mama’s head moved back and forth, as well, but more as a kind of disbelief than a response to my question.

“I know he was thinking about those words he read, though,” I said to offer some comfort to Next Mama. “He loved what the Bible said. He used to quote it to us all the time.”

Grandaddy’s family roots were in Germany. His father Levi and his two uncles Silas and Karl had immigrated to the United States as young men in the 1870s, leaving behind sisters Pauline, Bertha and Lena to continue the family’s German heritage. The brothers were adventurous and entrepreneurial, making their way from New York City to the South where they opened a general store in the small town of Olive Hill, Kentucky. Some of Levi’s children remained true to their Jewish faith. Others, like my grandfather, married Christian women. America was different from Germany and mixed faith marriages were more readily accepted. My mother had told me stories about her German cousins, the descendants of Levi’s sisters. Most of them had perished in the 1940s in concentration camps. Mother kept in touch with the only survivor she knew, Clara, who lived because of the kindness of a stranger in Amsterdam. I was reminded of those stories as I watched Grandaddy lie in my parents’ bed, his soul now drifted away from his body. I felt lucky that my great-grandfather had chosen to take a boat to America. Grandaddy’s death was so much more peaceful than the German side of his family had experienced during the Holocaust. His passing was still painful, nonetheless. Painful for those of us who loved him.

I could no longer bear to look at Grandaddy’s body. I knew I would never forget what it looked like. I knew that some day, I would look like that, too. Most teenagers think little about death since everything is ahead of them in life. That day, I was reminded that life is not forever, but that faith and love are everlasting.

Weeping Redbud

Weep not for me, sweet redbud tree,
Thy leaves will take no chances
Each heart resides most playfully
Upon thy silken branches

Dangling in the wind they sing
Hearts ready for damnation
Search for love against the wind
And hope for procreation

Young ones be the shiniest
Deep ruby red reaction
Thus what creature dare resist
So lovely an attraction

Seeds strewn about with local help
Assures that love will grow
New heart-shaped leaves thus soon to sprout
Come melting winter snow

Wouldst that my own heart sing so loud
And dance to its own tune
While suitors called upon my door
In light of harvest moon

These ruby lips await the kiss
That stirs my dormant soul
Much as the weeping redbud waits
‘Til she achieves her goal

Be patient, she advises me,
Love grows at its own pace
The kindest words, a gentle touch
That make a red heart race

When redbud leaves remain too long
Their red begins to fade
In favor of a dulling green
That hides beneath the shade

Younger leaves retake the stage
Flash colors in the sun
As older ones accept their place
Their usefulness now done

Yet hidden behind a shady branch
Old lovers rekindle a flame
Dull green, a few new dents perhaps,
Still loving all the same

–Victoria Emmons, 2017

While visiting friends in North Carolina, I discovered a Weeping Redbud tree in the yard. The tree’s red, perfectly heart-shaped leaves fascinated me. Then I noticed the older leaves were solid green, having lost their brilliant, red color. It reminded me of the joy of finding love.

Resurrection 

I feel the warmth of your arms surround me
as years wash away, a long moment of grief
expressed in a hug too tight for a child,
a man without a father.

History powerful enough to tear down
walls of time belies reason.
A sepia photograph reminds of
bygone youth, shared play,
picnics at the zoo.

Sadness and joy clash on this day,
memories well up in your eyes and mine.
Tales to tell, remembrances, laughter and love.
Shrimp, crayfish and oysters
on the table before us.

Thundering rain upon heavy limbs
laden with green resurrection ferns.
A damp night of conversation and thoughtful
stories, but no campfire.

Spring awaits summer, hot and sticky,
sweat follows the length of your temples,
beads on your forehead.
Love beats in your heart.
Family swells in your mind.

A homecoming of sorts, we gather to mourn,
remark the change in lines on our faces,
spill our absent lives into one another’s.
Four score years should not pass
before shared warmth.

Believing the other will always exist,
somewhere in the annals of our history,
part of the natural order of our universe,
a comfort zone to our souls,
does not make it so.

Create a pact, dear ones.
Share more of life in
years to come.
Let’s not wait for
the next family funeral.

—Victoria Emmons, May 2017

For cousins

Passing

The invisible line is cast across the river,
across the canyon, or the ages, obstacles
that find us as we travel dusty roads, always
searching, forever unsure. Pleasure in
windblown branches hobbled against the slant
of a craggy mountain, predicted to lose,
yet they blossom, somehow gaining strength
from light and the occasional storm.

Rain is approaching current location
and is expected within thirty minutes.

The line reaches out, centuries compelled
to forge a lineage unbroken. The invisible line.
Our heritage. We cannot see them, nor they us.
Mere black and white images painted by the
hand of a craftsman or a Brownie Instamatic.
They smile or laugh, more often
furrow brows within the frames of their lives.
History recorded in a frown, perhaps too serious
the thought of the invisible line.

Rain is falling now.

The burden remains. Casting the line is all
too frightening, creates a link in a chain that
cannot be undone. Populate. Procreate. Pass.
The cycle begs for renewal. And so we perform.
In our innocence and duty, the people perform,
create the invisible line that stretches from
one generation to another. The line sends all
our oneness to the next and the next,
on down the line.

The wind blows harder.

Never an end of the line, just a passing
of the wonderment of life, love, creation,
knowledge, laughter, responsibility, inspiration,
thoughtfulness, caring, tolerance, joy, simplicity.
Never an end. Always a new beginning.
The invisible line is not broken, merely
reflected in the crystal blue eyes of a child,
the exploration of a scientific discovery,
the digital painting of a sorrowful face.

Black clouds ahead.

Cast your line. An ocean awaits. Sandy shores
reside amongst the clouds, no matter their color
or shape. The line must be cast. Too late for
indecision. Stretch out your heart to the next
in line. Leave your trace of glory to be retold
in story after story. The blessed line.
Follow it and find the softest space in Heaven,
find those who climbed in before you.

Rain clearing by tomorrow morning.

–Victoria Emmons, May 2017


for Uncle Jim

Montana Metal

Copper glistens in deference to brilliant sunlight. It wires itself around our lives, brings ease and comfort, a combination of access and heat. Twin to the cook pot, seething atop a blue fire, transmitting a menu plan. Copper art hangs in the window, curled around like a serpent digesting amber glass balls that rearrange light on the wall.

Copper joy, copper light, copper theft for a price. Steal thirst for a century. Crush a society carved in the west out of nothing but a few battles with the locals. Copper makes friends. And enemies. A golden glow requires a good polish now and then. The favored color of an old mascot hat for the football team.

Dig. Mine. Discover. Bend. Shape. Create. A bottle of copper hair upon my head brings attention no matter what. Metal required to fend off compliments or long gazes with dangling open mouths. She is copper-colored, they say. Good or bad. Friend or foe. Better to be copper-colored than steel gray.

–Victoria Emmons, 2017

The Summit

My open window reveals
a spring snowfall on the summit,
a fog obscuring white caps that
sleep forever at the highest point.

Misty rain turns to snow rising atop
my world. Nature paints a distinct line
around the mountains, a clear delination
between elevated snowflakes and freezing rain.

The season unpredictable, as is my life.
New growth attempts to bloom,
struggles to release itself, only to be
thwarted by a late wintry mix.

My own summit turns to snow, like the mountain.
I stare not out a window, but into a mirror
to observe its unpredictable journey
atop my crown.

White strands now invade a thick forest
once chestnut brown. As the mountain evolves,
so must I. My struggle with time will not
outlive the hillsides.

–Victoria Emmons, 2017

Birthday Boxes

Three candles and chocolate cake
Crowned with vanilla ice cream
Balloons flutter and bob in the air
Too high to salvage

A young girl mouthes “Hi Daddy” in silence
Surrounded by a windy Hawaiian day
And friends around the birthday table
One sister on her right, another her left

The colorful scene on a bright morning
Forever captured in a 16-millimeter tin
When Mother baked specialties to please
And tied boxes with pretty bows

A perfect moment savored for all time
Until the next year arrives in glorious fashion
And another and another until finally
Surprise at number seventeen

Twelve friends hiding in a room
Offer sudden smiles, song and love
A pile of presents to open
Music and dancing fill the air

Fifty years, a second surprise
Colleagues appear unannounced
Claiming they knew not the day
The same as seventeen, only older

Laughter, gin and candles play
In the twilight of life
Gazing at photos that must be me
A younger, more attractive version

Each year, I succumb to the day
That I chose to enter the world
Bake my own cake, sweet frosting on top
Blow out the last candles

—Victoria Emmons, copyright 2017